I have to do this.. [PLEASE READ]posted Jan 31st 2005, 5:51AM
Mood: Shaky
Music: None
"I have to.. I have to..."
I was so miserable today. I don't deserve a birthday. I don't deserve my loving family. I don't deserve any of it. I spent all weekend playing Neopets and drawing. The two things that I tried so hard NOT to do because I had to study and get my grades up. Now, i'm most likely going to screw up my French test tomorrow, and feel more crappy than I already am now.
After my mom saw that I was miserable, she talked to me and I finnaly let it all out. I finnaly let out that I think that I'm a complete failure because I fucked up everything. School, grades, finals. All of it.
We both cried for a bit.. Kinda laughed about it afterwards cause she thought we were both PMSing. xD;
But.. I finnaly know/realize/understand of why my mom hasn't punished me for any of the stuff that i've done. She's been confident in me this whole time that I would figure it out. That I would get my prioities in line and fly straight. She had complete confidence me that I would learn on my own of what I needed to do.
I just wish that I had learned sooner..
No matter how hard I try, i'll still keep playing neopets as long as that laptop is under my bed. Well. I've finnaly come to a conclusion.
I'm locking it up. My laptop, my drawings, EVERYTHING.
I'm putting it all in the new laptop case I got for Christmas, and I'm locking it up, and giving my mom the key. I will finnaly be able to concentrate without any distractions. Hopefully, when I get all of my work done, I may be able to go on for a little bit and play during the weekends.. But that's pretty much it until school's over. None of the colleges that I want won't even look at me until I have at least a 4.0 GPA. So I have to do it.
There's a lesson for all of us to be learned. Even though we love doing what we're doing, we sometimes have to make sacrifices for something better.. And that for me, is going to Harvard. I want to be the first person in my entire family line to go to Harvard. We've only had one person to go to college in our family, and that was my aunt. I want to be the second.
Some of you may really hate me for this... And I'm sorry. For the commissions, I SWEAR on my grave that I will eventually get them done. But it can't be now. I hope you'll understand. I 'm sorry. I'm so sorry.. But please.. Try to understand.
Well, this is a good way to celebrate being 15. A fresh start, a new life (somewhat), and a hope to make everything all better. I know.. This is going to make my life SUCK, but at least I know that i'm doing the right thing. My mom's proud of me. I'm proud of myself, and that's all that matters.
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